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How to Beat a Fastball Pitcher at Their Own Game

The pitcher is well known for his fastball. Your ace hitters are either knocking it foul or whiffing it altogether. There is a secret to beating a hard fastball Pitcher.

Fastball Pitchers are accustomed to having their way at the plate. Very little unravels their poise. They know their job and they know it well. Throw hard and throw strikes.

Occasionally their zest sends an unwitting batter to first on a free trip. Pitchers console themselves with the knowledge that all wounds will heal. It is merely a bruise, it will heal, well in time anyway.

They are the heroes of their team. Strike after strike, batter after batter, the offense is retired quickly. Amidst the slaps on the back and the cheers from the crowd. Yes, commanding Pitchers are revered.

Your number is called up to the on deck. A dynamite batting average you do not posses. From the on deck circle you check your swing to match his speed. Whoosh, the ball passes over the plate and you hear the pop of the catchers mitt with the bat in your hand only part way through the swing.

How can you beat this monster? What can you do to get that Pitcher to back off on his speed an accuracy. Is there anything that can be done to shake this guy up?

These Pitchers are determined to set the pace and play the game their way. A self centered approach to winning the game at the plate. If you let them own the plate they will take you as well.

On your side you have a great skill. An innate ability that will take the pride out of any fastball Pitcher. You have the cunning to rock this pitcher on the mound mid throw. A four letter word that has won hundreds of games. The most singular act of unnerving a pitcher available. You have the bunt!

Bunting a baseball does far more work against a Pitcher than what is obvious. First, you want to time your switch in stance to be a little earlier, you want the Pitcher to see what you are doing as he takes the ball from his glove.

When the Pitcher is aware the ball will be put in play, their first reaction is to prepare to get off the mound to run it down. More often then not, instead of keeping his toe dug into the mound for the entirety of their throw, the Pitcher will bring their plant foot forward in anticipation of making the dash.

By taking their foot off the mound, they loose a substantial amount of power which results in a slower ball and change in accuracy as they have changed their mechanics. Could be a strike, could hit the batter, could puff the dirt in front of home plate. The reality is you have forced the pitcher to play your game.

Now that you have made the monster move to your tune it is time to dig it in a little deeper. No matter who is pitching, when a Batter bunts, the likely hood he will make contact with the ball is very high. It may roll foul, it may bounce off home plate. But the fact of the matter is you hit a pitch from the monster.

When a Pitcher becomes used to striking out Batters, they develop the need for more strikes and less hits. Hitting the ball in any fashion wears on them. Best of all, there is nothing they can do to stop it. You are going to show bunt and aside from throwing a wild pitch, you are going to put the bat on the ball.

Every time you force the Pitcher to change his pattern you are breaking them down to play your game. Every time you put the bat on the ball you force the defense to wake up and earn the out.

Bunting is much more useful that just as a sacrifice to move a man on bases. If you get several other players on your team to play the same tune with this fire throwing monster, his rhythm will end and so will the onslaught of hard pitches. Beat the monster with a bunt.

Zany Video Games From Insomniac Games

On the market today there is now available some crazy and zany video games that can enhance the video gaming experience for gamers. These incredible video games have the ability to cause the villains within a video game to begin dancing to disco music.

The most bizarre of these newly bizarre video games are produced by Insomniac Games, who also produced the Ratchet And Clank Future – Tools Of Destruction video game. Within this video game was the introduction of the Transformer that had the ability to turn enemies into tiny, little penguins and the Gelanator that could trap its enemies in ice cubes that were made of lime gelatin. Their whimsical look on video games has enabled the majority of their video games to become top titles on the bestseller charts by the gaming industry.

The magical and advanced technology that is used in creating special effects in many movies are the same ones that are used to create the realistic graphics and life like animation within many video games produced by Insomniac Games. Insomniac Games is one of the few independent video game developers that are still battle for their place among the big league names of Activision and Electronic Arts Incorporated. Already two top independent video game developers, Pandemic Studios and BioWare Corporation, have sold out to Electronic Arts Incorporated.

Insomniac Games is a company that has reserved the rights to keep to their roots as a goofy and informal company that can focus on creativity and fun. This company was founded in 1994 and has been going strong ever since they released their very first video game demo entitled, Disruptor. However, it only sold close to two hundred thousand copies, which is not great, but for a first time video game it is not too shabby either.

The second video game that they released was Spyro the Dragon, which featured a friendly purple dragon and it was a runaway hit. This video game was so incredible that between 1998 and 2000 there were three more video games created that were based on the Dragon Spyro. The sales of these video games reached close to twelve million copies actually being sold.

Then in 2002, they created Ratchet And Clank, which was about a furry yellow creature and his robot sidekick. This video game was such a huge hit that it sold more than twelve million copies. The major video game they released was a more mature type of video game known as, Resistance – Fall Of Man. This video game became one of the best selling video games for Sony and its Playstation 3 video game system.

Insomniac Games develops video games for only Sony, and since the Playstation 3 video gaming system has fallen way behind the sales of the Wii and Xbox-360 they have truly been affected. However, they are not considering selling out to the larger video game developing companies. In fact, they will consider developing video games for other video game system manufactures first.

They have created such fabulous video games as Spyro the Dragon in 1998, Spyro 2 – Ripto’s Rage in 1999, Spryo – Year of the Dragon in 2000, Ratchet & Clank in 2002, Ratchet & Clank – Going Commando in 2003, Ratchet & Clank – Up Your Arsenal in 2004, Ratchet Deadlocked in 2005, Ratchet & Clank Future – Tools of Destruction in 2006, and Resistance – Fall of Man in 2007.

Dice Sports Games That Are Fun; The Baseball Game

This is the third installment in a world of incredibly fun sports games played with dice. In the first installment I taught you how to play the college version of Dice Football. Then in the second you learned the Pro Football dice game. Now it is Dice Baseball, which is the first dice game that I ever invented. Just as in my football games you will need two dice, notebook paper and a pen or pencil to play dice baseball.

You will recall that in the college football game you got your box score set up so that you can begin the game and just take turns for four quarters. In the baseball game you will have to make a box score sheet that has nine boxes split in half. These two halves represent the home team and the visitors. Remember that in baseball the home team always bats last and should be on the bottom of the two box halves.

As in real baseball each team rolls for nine innings. The exception of course is the home team. If the home team is winning after the visitor has finished his half of the ninth, then there is no need for the home boys to roll the ninth. Just like in real baseball the game is over and the dice can hit the showers.

Batting is pretty simple. Each team gets to start their half of an inning by rolling the dice once. If the two die total an even number then they can roll again. That is because even dice totals equal one single. An even dice total will be one of the following combinations; 1+3=4, 1+5=6, 2+4=6, 2+6=8, 3+5=8, 4+6=10. If the next roll yields an even number then there has been another hit. Now in baseball terms this means that there are, two men on base. The rolling player now gets a third roll. As you can see where this is going, another even number means that the bases are loaded. A fourth consecutive even dice result will bring home the first run and each consecutive roll will continue to bring home runners until the roller finally rolls an odd dice total.

Any odd dice total represents the end of an inning. Thus, if a player rolls an odd number on his first roll, then that inning is over. The odd dice totals are as follows; 1+2=3, 1+4=5, 1+6=7, 2+3=5, 2+5=7, 3+4=7, 3+6=9, 4+5=9, 5+6=11. A really cool thing to do during this game is to see if you can get a no-hit game. You can do this by simply putting a dot in the innings that a player rolls an odd number. You can start this on their initial first inning roll. Each consecutive inning thereafter that the player continues to perform a first odd roll continues the no-hitter up until the player finally rolls an even number. If they fail to roll at least one even number in nine innings that means you pitched a no-hitter. Time to call Cooperstown!

So where are the homeruns? I bet you are glad that I asked. Any time a player rolls a double-dice roll, he has hit a Homerun! That is all that it takes; doubles aka, two of a kind. Better yet, if there are any men on base then they score with the homerun. Yes, with the bases loaded a homerun is a grand slam.

This is an example of how the baseball game can be played. Let us say the visitors roll a 2+3 on his initial first inning roll. The visitors inning is considered over and with no hits. The home team rolls a 4+6 (10) on the first roll. That represents a base hit or one man on base. The home player then rolls a 3+5 (8) thus getting a second man on base. Then he rolls a 1+4 (5). The inning is over. End result of the first inning is 0 to 0.

The visitor starts his second inning with a pair of threes (3+3). Boom, he hit a homerun. He then rolls a 2+5 (7), which means the inning is over. The visitor has scored a run in their half of the second and leads the game, 1 to 0. The home team starts with a 2+4 (6) single. Then on the next roll the home player rolls a pair of fours (4+4). The home player has hit a two run homerun since there was a man already on base. The next roll is a 3+4 (7) out and that ends the second inning with the home team ahead, 2-1.

Now for the rest of the game neither team scores again until the ninth inning when the visitor strings together six consecutive even numbers before rolling the inevitable odd number. That means the visitor scored three runs and now leads the game, 4-2. Then the home team follows with three consecutive rolls of doubles (homeruns); which means they won the game, 5-4. What a comeback!

If the score ends in a tie after nine innings then just keep playing one inning at a time until someone finally wins. That is what baseball calls, extra-innings. In the next article I will attempt to teach you about the college basketball dice games. Till then, keep on rolling.

Man United

Man these days is no more stereotyped and looks for plenty of opportunities for growth beyond the normal career life. There are a number of factors that pushes man to achieve this. Man is always known for pursuing ambitions and desires beyond the natural boundaries specified by one self. This could be to reach greater heights of excellence and performance in order to stand out in the crowd. However, all these require motivation. The motivation need not be in the form of words or deeds, they can be anything that enthuse a man to achieve the goal. It could be good books written by well known authors or motivational speakers.

A man can find information that he is looking for very easily without the intervention of any third party. However, there is one website, which caters to the all round requirements of a man. www.all4men.net is one of the best and most comprehensive websites that offers a wide variety of information that man needs. It contains all the basic data and information that can make a man’s life very interesting.

For instance, if the man is interested in finance related matters since he is an investor, the website will offer web links to other websites offering news relating to stock markets and performance. Similarly, the website has links to various real estate markets. It will help the man, generally a trader, in making the correct investments to facilitate the returns. In a way, the man is united in his approach, whatever is the ultimate goal. It has often been found that man has been successful in going for the thing that he is looking for.

In this context, website offers complete downloadable information relating to the requirements of the man. The website can easily become the home page of any man’s personal computer or laptop.

If a person is interested in writing on various issues related to man, the website has links to blogs relating to them. There are hundreds of issues related to man and there are hundreds of blogs. A man can write a blog or read blog on the subject of his interest. This will not improve his knowledge, but help build the base in the process. The blogs could be on multiple issues affecting the man. There could be some people who can help out a man who is suffering from some kind of ailment resulting from excessive abuse of various substances.

If the man is gadget freak or has specific interest in automobiles, the website offers links to magazines and journals publishing information relating to the particular subject. These websites in turn provide comprehensive information on and insights into the automobile world. Similarly, there is plenty of information relating to gadgets and the latest electronics products to hit the retail market.

Man also is a social animal. In an effort to enable the man to widen his horizon, the website offers information relating to social networking groups and sites of like minded men. This could easily be one of the favorite places for man since a man likes to be united all the while.

The Origin of the Slots Game and Evolution

A casino would not be complete without a slot machine. It is one of the most popular games in a casino because anybody and everybody can play it. You do not have to understand the slot machine and to be skilled at it. You just have to put your coins and pull the handle and pray. If god is willing then you might just hit the jackpot.

The Origin of Slot Machines-The Genius Called Charles Fey

Slot machines are relative newcomers on the gambling scene and thus we can trace back their history and their evolution leaving no scope for doubt about their evolution. The prototypes of the earliest slot machines date back to the 1870s. However, the father of the Slot Machine is Charles Fey who developed his first slot machine much later in 1894. He is credited with its invention, because it was his machines that found their way into gambling establishments. Charles Fey’s serendipitous life began in the Bavarian region in Germany before his ultimate immigration to America.

Fey first settled in New Jersey before shifting base to the west in California, where he was diagnosed with terminal tuberculosis in his twenties, but the man not only managed to cheat death but also changed the course of gambling history. Fey devised the first slot machine in his early thirties in 1895. The mechanism and design that he conceptualized was so influential that it can still be seen in the modern computerized machines. His job at a Munich farm instrument factory saw him developing an insatiable appetite for anything mechanical thus bringing out into the world a mechanical savant.

Categorical History and Evolution

The history of slot can be categorized into three distinguishable ears, wherein each era left a lasting footprint on the gambling industry today:

1.    The mechanical era
2.    The computerized era.
3.    The electromechanical era

The Mechanical Era

Fey’s slot machine was a mechanical prototype, and instead of the fruits that we see today, depicted king , queen, and jack Fey’s machine is best remembered for his cast-iron liberty Bell slot. Fey teamed up with the Mills Novelty Company and manufactured his first commercial slot machine called the Mills Liberty Bell. This machine was encased in a cast iron case and its originally cast iron feet and toes were later replaced with ornate decorated feet.

Each time a player hit a winning combination, a bell rang within the machine, and this particular amenity has survived the test of time. There were ten symbols on each of the three reels and as is still the case, if you got three of the same symbols of the pay line, then you hit the jackpot. The chances of you doing that were pegged at one in one-thousand.

Fey’s contraption dominated the mechanical era and the three-reel slot machine entrenched itself the gambling psyche. The fact that his dominance of the slots industry began in his basement, makes this achievement even more creditable. In the early days, Fey placed his slot machines on a 50% rental basis; and these machines were loosely based on the lottery game Policy.

‘Operator Bell’ a slot machine, was introduced by the Mills Novelty Company, which varied slightly with the earlier machine by having gooseneck entry and featuring the now famous fruit symbols. The cast iron machines gave way to the less expensive wood cabinet in 1915. The Mills Novelty Company made many additional changes in the early 1930s, to its line of online slot machines, which further revolutionized the industry.

The company came out with much quieter machines, with the machines getting the moniker “silent bell’. A double jackpot was also introduced by the company under the aegis of which player could win twice in quick succession. It also introduced a series of colorful and striking cabinet designs that made the machines more memorable and enticing for the players. Some of the more popular machines were the Lion Head, Roman Head, and the War Eagle.

The Electromechanical era

The mid twentieth century was the lackluster era for the slot machine, which was surprising because the world had technically graduated to the electromechanical era. One of the major developments of the era was the release of the slot machine known as Big Bertha, which was followed by the even better Super Big Bertha. The machines were very expensive and cost something like $150,000 to produce, and were powered by a five-horsepower motor, and consisted of 8 reels, with 20 symbols per reel. But, all this control meant nothing for the players as only 80% was paid back to the players with the odds of hitting the jackpot being only 1 in 25.6 billion.

The Computerized era

The onset of the computer era gave a new dimension to the slot machines and they became highly computerized where they not rely on preprogrammed random number creator that generates the numbers that match to patterns of symbols on the reels. The concept of using coins has almost ended most of the machines today use video stimulated reels. Thus, the slots have moved onto the coinless era and the rise of the online gambling has seen more and more players gravitating to the Internet slots from the brick and mortar casinos.

A Final Word

An online venue allows the player instant play from any location whatsoever. The slot machines of today have developed to the extent that they no longer bear any technological resemblance to the original Fey machines, but the indelible stamp of Charles Fey can never be erased and the look and feel of the slot machines is the same as Fey’s designs.

Thus, we have seen the slot machines evolve from their nascent stages in the 1800 to the groundbreaking trends of today and through its long journey it has constantly broken new ground in the entertainment industry turning casino operation into successes.

Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston at War; Playing Mind Games!

Tabloids have reported that Brad is running back to Jen – and whether that’s true or not, it’s clearly feeding the mutual dislike between the women of Brad.

The longtime feud has been refueled, in part, by both of the jealous, desperate women playing mind games with one another and refusing to back down.

Jen takes digs at Angie by flaunting her relationship with Brad’s family while Angie relishes rubbing Jen’s nose in the fact that she has six kids with Brad.

She might be having another without him, but no matter. The bottom line: “Jen and Angie despise each other and making each other squirm.” Mmmkay.

Among the tricks Angelina Jolie employs? Finding out from designers what dress Jen wants to wear on the red carpet – then going for it herself. Burn!

Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston makes late night calls to Brad when he’s in France, conveniently “forgetting” the time difference so she will wake Angelina.

As for Brad? He’s “a terrible instigator” and even “eggs it on,” according to reports. Hmm. Kind of like a rich man’s movie star version of Brody Jenner.

We know they’ve been playing mind games.

But apparently it’s gotten way worse than that.

According to a new tell-all about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the truth about their shaky relationship and Jennifer Aniston’s meddling in it is “shocking.”

In fact, Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie reveals that the pair has “broken up so many times it would make your head spin.”

Tell us about it. He’s been sleeping on the couch / thrown out on the street / running back to Jen / abducting their kids for like three months now!

It’s apparently Jennifer Aniston-Angelina Jolie Tabloid Cover Week.

The book claims Jolie “has a temper like a cobra” and even alleges that she confessed to hiring a hit man to kill her in 1998 because she was so distraught.

Apparently she’s never heard of suicide. Talk about a waste of money. You have to pay the hit man, Angie! And people wonder why we’re in a recession.

Excerpts read by Us Weekly indicate that she and Brad Pitt battle over their six children all the time – as well as his secret meetings with Jennifer Aniston.

“They fight all the time about the kids – where to put toys, saying the wrong thing to a nanny, not cleaning up,” one source reports. “Like cats and dogs.”

Find Out More and Whose Brad’s Going To Be With Next!

Is Pool A Game For Males

For many young billiard players ripping off the green baize, which is the woven wool, or wool-nylon blend, used to cover the upper surface of a pool table, is their worst nightmare. But, the horrifying reality of having to justify a bad stroke to the bar and billiards owner cannot compare with the chilling effect of loosing face in front of friends or girlfriends. Many years before the billiards fans favorite movie, “The Color of Money,” starring Tom Cruise and Paul Newman, numerous youngsters attempted to conquer adulthood while learning to play pool.

Even prior to Al Pacino’s in “Carlito’s Way”, characters that needed to make a statement as being masculine, in times sophisticated, but always cool, were pictured as amateur or professional pool players. Movies, songs, and books, used this type of men as their aggressive and yet sensitive male prototype, was particularly tempting for young men who desired to associate with that kind of male image. During the late 80s and early 90s, young adults, in an effort to imitate their beloved icons and achieve some of their tremendous appeal, have spent hours in bars holding a hardwood stick (cue) and playing continuously billiards games. By holding the larger circumference end of the cue, called “the butt,” the male players pointed the leather chalked tip attached on cue’s “shaft,” its smaller circumference end, to the ball of their choice -usually the white one-and upon choosing a specific angle for their strike, attempted ultimately to hit a colored ball from the table’s surface. The powerful feeling they experienced when their hit was successful, made up for all those long practicing hours. Indeed, even the most inexperienced of those young men managed, after multiple attempts, to succeed in striking a few balls correctly into the pool tables’ holes.

Hanging around bars and bonding in front of billiards tables with friends, college classmates and later business associates, is a practice men typically enjoy having; especially those who come from western-type of cultures. Moreover, the scene of a man holding a cue and using a chalk between each shot, to increase the tip’s friction coefficient, is one of the most masculine scenes a western type of woman might be able to think of; apart from the one in which a man rides a heavy motorcycle, like the famous Marlon Brando scene.

Based on habit, or even subconsciously, men usually select to play a pool game and practice their thinking and sticking abilities surrounded by other male friends. Typically, women’s feminine side is portrayed as more delicate and thus, playing a game of pools with a female friend leads men to play less harshly or taking the role of a pool game’s teacher. Since this is the generally accepted stereotype, men are always appearing as conquerors and women as conquered. Perhaps, the ancient game of control between sexes has found to the game of billiards, yet again, another interface to denote its powerful existence.

Introduction to the Game of Carrom

The game of Carrom, often described as finger billiards, is an indoor game played on tabletop. This game has a strikingly similarity with other table top games like table shuffleboard and billiards.  The details about the origin of this game is hazy although some sources claim this game of Carrom has an Indian origin, while others say that it has a Chinese origin.

The basic item needed to play a game of Carrom is plain plywood board which is square in shape and about 74 centimeters or 29 inches. The playing board is framed on all four sides with wood bumpers. Here unlike balls used in billiards, wooden disks are used. The disks are called as Carrom coins or Carrom Men. There are four different color coins – black, white, red and a striker. The aim of the game is to strike the coins with the help of the striker and push them to fall into the corner pockets. The red colored coin is called the ‘queen’. Carrom can be played with two to four players.

A carrom-man is a usually wooden or sometimes plastic, uniform small disk. The Carrom-men have a smooth movement in a flat position on the surface of the carrom board when hit by a striker of standard specification. The carrom-men traditionally come in two colors – black and white – denoting the two players or in doubles play, the opposing teams. The opener always plays white. An additional, special carrom-man is colored red and called the “queen”. The accepted specifications for Carrom Men are – diameter of not more than 3.18 cm and no less than 3.02 cm, and thickness must be between 7 mm and 9 mm, with a weight of 5 to 5.5 g.

The dimensions of the queen must be the same as those of the other carrom-men.The queen is the most powerful carrom piece and usually red in color. It is placed at the center of the circle. If a player wins the board with the queen, this adds five queen points to the player’s total score. A player pockets the queen and to cover it provided a carrom-man of the player’s own has already been pocketed.

The striker is a larger and relatively heavier disk, flicked with the finger to hit the carrom-men and knock them into the corner pockets. The striker has to be smooth and round, with a diameter not more than 4.13 cm. Its weight should not be more than 15 grams.

High quality powder, most commonly boric acid powder is used on the board to enable the pieces to slide easily. In the UK and other European countries, many players use a version of spray powder from the printing industry which is made from pure, food-grade vegetable starch.

The rules of the game are promulgated by the India-based International Carrom federation. The organisation also ranks players, sanctions tournaments and presents awards, and has many international affiliates.

The aim of the game is to pocket one’s own nine carrom men before one’s opponent pockets his. However, before sinking one’s final carrom man, the queen must be pocketed and then “covered” by pocketing one of one’s own carrom men on the same or subsequent strike. Fouls, such as crossing the diagonal lines on the board with any part of one’s body, or potting the striker, lead to carrom men being returned to the board. The player is allowed to shoot with any finger, including the thumb known as thumbing.

Dkoldies Epic Tale of Where They Get All Those Classic Video Games

Everyday we are asked this question. I will tell someone what I do for a living and the first question is always, “but where do you get all this stuff”. To be honest I could never tell them the truth because they would never believe me and I was always scared of ridicule. I would always tell them I had wholesalers or I bought stuff on the Internet or garage sales. This would always hold them off long enough for me to change the subject to their job or family. After years of keeping this secret I am finally ready to spill the beans of how I get thousands and thousands of rare classic Nintendo Video games everyday.

It all started one day I was lost in my back woods about 7 years ago. My dog had run off and would not come back so I had to go in after him. I never walked in my woods before because of all the pricker bushes, they were everywhere. This time I decided to suck it up, stop being a puss and go get my stupid beagle.

It was late fall and most of the leaves were off the trees, I could see out pretty far but there was no sign of him. I stopped yelling because he is obviously not listening anyway and I felt it would be better to listen for the jingling on his collar. I walked about 2 miles out and still no sign of him. I could no longer see my house and I got turned around a few times so I didn’t really know if I had been walking in circles or not. I think I heard the old saying about someone who gets lost a lot that “he could get lost in his own back yard” or something like that. Well here I am lost in my own back yard.

Anyway, back to the story. I was lost in the woods looking for my stupid dog who was probably at home by now sipping tea and eating out if the butter dish. I had just decided to turn what i thought was back when I heard a noise. It was a loud, not thunderous mind you just a loud sound of someone that was all pissed off. It was a strange sound to hear out in the woods with no one around for miles. I followed the sound to a small clearing and a hole in the ground. A light shined out of the hole and the sounds were definatley comming for in there. I yelled down, I said in my suttle yet soothing voice “Yo F*$^ers, what is going on down there?”. Now this is where things get nuts so just stay with me. I hear a rumbleing down there and stuff comes flying out of that hole like a grenade just went off. And out of the whole come this… Now your gonna ask me if I’m serious and yes I am dead serious so don’t question it. Okay, out of the whole comes a giant “Frog Man”. Yes, a Frog Man, he had legs and sneakers like a man and actually everything else was like a man but he just looked like a Frog and I thought it would be cool to say a giant Frog man came out instead of some crazy dude that sorta looked like a frog. So, you were right to be skeptical. Here is a studio photo of him:

So, to finish up. The crazy giant old Frog man guy comes out of the whole and laughs at me. I compose myself and say “Listen dude, I’m sure your just lost or something and if you want to hang here a while with your frog wife and kids its cool, but I need you out of here by night time or I’ll call the cops.” He laughs again and says, and this I will never forget because it changed my life forever. He said, “never forget this moment because it will change your life forever.”, and he was right because it did and I didn’t. He took me down the hole, and oh when a giant frog man beast in your back yard woods comes out of a hole I do not suggest going down there with him. Actually I do but my lawyers said I have to have that disclaimer in so kids don’t follow and Frog men down holes.

Down in the hole he showed me what all the fuss was about. He took me down a long corridor, we had to be like 30ft below the surface because my ears were popping and my ears always pop at like 30ft. I know this from my previous deep sea adventures but that another story for another time. So, down the corridor we come to a room and there is a hole in this room that my new frog man friend tells me goes on almost forever. He tells me that whatever I wish for will fill this hole to the top. He said he has been here for 17,000 years using up the contents of this hole and it is now time to leave. Normally most people would not belive this story from the Frog man and call the cops and leave, but I being in similar situations believed this guy right away.

This was easy, I had one wish and I could fill this crazy giant hole with whatever I wanted. When I was a kid I thought if I had a million dollars I would buy as many 1 cent gum balls at the grocery store gumball machine and just lay around in them eating gumballs all day. But those are dreams of children, so I wished for the hole to be filled with old school Nintendo and other various Classic Video Games Games and systems and stuff like that. At that moment the hole was overflowing with video games and systems from all consoles. Super Mario 3, Contra, Megaman 1 through 6, Chrono Trigger and more. Every game system and controller filled in a hole in my back yard deep withing the woods. As soon as this happened the frog man slapped me in the face and said I am a F(*&ing idiot, something about human kind and mortallity and all that but all I was thinking about was playing Double Dribble and hitting threes all day long. I was like “Don’t judge me Frog”, what did you wish for? He said he had wished for love, peace and to be one with all that is and ever will be to be filled in that whole and he has spent all his days of those 17000 years in it. I laughed and said I think we both know who came up with the better wish. He smacked me again but I let him because he was old and looked like a frog. As I left to go back home I hired the frog man to work for me and we started www.DKOldies.com an online Classic Video Game store that has every game you could wish for, literally.

Now even though the Frog man died days later from being over 17,000 years old, he did leave me with dream of froggy goodness for all mankind. Before he took his last breath he did agree that this wish was good and that www.DKOldies.com would be good wishes and cheer to all that took a visit and this was also good. Come visit www.DKOldies.com and see for yourself, if you would like to sell your games please goto our site and send us an email.

Top 20 Worst Video Games of All Time

What makes a worst video game of all time? Poor storylines, insane difficulty, controlling issues to the point of broken screens… all these contribute towards video games that you threw out your window in disgust of wasting 3 dollars in renting them. On this list we prudently considered what games made us break the most things, and made us ask ourselves “how the fuck was this game ever made?” There were some obvious immediate choices like “Shaq Fu” and “ET”, and there were also some more personal choices like “Fatal Fury” and “Elevator Action”. Old-Wizard brings you these top 20 worst games of all time in hopes that you never have to experience the inexorably abominable game play that we’ve had to experience in playing a game like “Three Stooges”, where what you thought would be 2 days of rented videogame euphoria turned out to be hours of personal disgust, wondering how it was possible you could have rented a game so bad. However, if you are one of those people who like to play bad video games because they make you feel better about yourself and ebullient about your own small accomplishments in life, then these are the games to play. As an elementary programmer, you probably have a decent chance at creating a game better than “Muscle”, and this doesn’t feel too bad.

20. Yo! Noid (NES)

Yo! Noid is about as much fun as eating left over pizza that’s been thrown away in the garbage a week earlier. When an advertising slogan gets put to a video game, you can be sure it’s total ass. This game is no exception. “Yo Noid” may be the best example of idiots in marketing who think that anything can be translated to a video game. This game is grotesquely difficult, much like the side-scrolling style of difficulty found in “Ghost’s ‘n Goblins”. What’s more annoying though is having absolutely no energy and no suit to protect you from just one enemy killing you. Even the smallest enemy within a proximate vicinity can dominate the Noid into oblivion, making you wonder why the hell the Noid took it upon himself to save New York City. His weapon is a yo-yo, not a magic yo-yo like we find in Star Tropics, but a standard yo-yo, making you wonder even more why the Noid thinks he can save New York City with no stamina and a fucking toy yo-yo. If you happen to embody video game luck beyond all understandable limits and get to the end of a level, you are put into a pizza eating contest while the city is on fire making the Noid a hero with no stamina, a bad weapon, and no dedication to the task at hand. What’s worse, if you lose the pizza eating contest, you have to start the insuperable level over again. At that point, you throw the cartridge out the window and remain validated in your consciousness of how bad an idea it always was to take a banal advertising signifier and assume it will be successful as a video game. I don’t think I ever ate at Dominos after playing this egregious excuse for a video game.

19. Skate or Die (NES)

Skate or die? I would rather die then have to play skate or die ever again in this life time. The title screen shows some paltry loser who you want to beat on for looking so clownish. The game irritates you even more. You skate around different areas with the same ramps, same couple of maneuvers, and same impossible controller issues. Then when you finish an area you are bombarded with the same loser from the title screen, this time taking up even more space with his massive poaching noggin (who in their right mind would ever have a mo-hawk?) If your going to make a game called Skate or Die, how can it be one of the most pedestrian games ever made? Is it supposed to feel cutting edge because I’m looking at some goon with an ugly green mo-hawk? At least show a little bit of blood or anger when failing at these boring courses to merit the name skate or die. The same circle of courses proved to be quickly tedious, with little extra to spark any interest in playing further than five minutes, except if you like looking at 8-bit graphics of infirm skaters that may bring images of a “cool dude” flashing the rock hand signal at you when you were doing something cool. I suspect there are some people who like this trash. These people I should never meet, God willing.

18. Where’s Waldo (NES)

Who would have ever thought this would have been a good idea? Okay, maybe if you were going to turn this NES installment into a superhero fighting game where Waldo had superpowers like something coming out of his glasses, but this installment turns out to be the same exact concept as the books, but only worse. At least in the books, you could spot Waldo, the graphics and objects for the NES “Where’s Waldo” are so poor that everything equally looks like shit making it impossible to have any chance at finding him. Why not just stick with the books though in the first place? Who in their right would buy this game? It’s hard to imagine even 5 of these games being sold. Could you imagine anyone admitting to buying this dung when you could buy the nice clear, iridescent books? “Where’s Waldo” consists of a big screen with a cursor moving around over non-descript objects. You would think the sales department would have something to say about this. But as with other games that were brought from the TV screen to platform console, all that mattered was cashing in on a good idea, no matter how bad the idea was for the video game system.

17. Total Recall (NES)

When a publisher releases a video game based on a movie, it seems they often depend on the movie hype to sell copies rather than concentrating on actually producing a quality game. Total Recall for the NES was one such game (we’ll see two more games based on movies on the list as well). It is nothing short of amazing to consider that a console as great as the NES, with its track record of wonderful movie titled games (like Star Wars), would allow for such a mediocre title to be released. To add insult to injury, the game was actually released by Acclaim! Everything about the game leaves something to be desired: the controls are unresponsive, the graphics are atrocious and the game play is just plain confusing. In addition, the story line and characters fail to even resemble those of the movie it is supposed to be portraying — which may not necessarily be a bad thing, since I didn’t much like the movie, either.

16. Fatal Fury (Sega Genesis)

Fatal Fury was fun to play for 2 seconds because of how obvious of a rip off it was of Street Fighter. It was the poor mans Street Fighter, literally and figuratively. The characters were poorly conceived, the after-fight dialogues were a monstrosity of van damnesque platitudes, and the final boss was about as scary as a 4th grade trick or treater in a wonder woman outfit. Your friend bought this game when he couldn’t afford the real street fighter which would go anywhere from $40-$50 dollars. Fatal Fury was a $20 dollar game and it showed. This however did not stop your friend from calling you up and saying “I got this game Fatal Fury that may be better than street fighter”, much to your laughter as you realize your friend made a competition out of who had the better video games (These are the people you would often find with books lying around entitled “How to start a conversation and make friends”). Fatal Fury remains one of the more poor attempts at a 2 player coin-op style fighting game. Combine goofy characters with derivative moves and conspicuous hopes of being “the next street fighter”, and you will get this impoverished piece of crap.

15. Elevator Action (Arcade)

Pac-Man is a simple game and its one of the greatest games of all time. Donkey Kong and the Original Super Mario Brothers are also simple games that rank as some of the best video gaming experiences of all time. Elevator action is also a very simple game, and is one of the worst games of all time, proving that simplicity doesn’t always equal genius. This game gets repetitive quick. Climb down stairs shooting the same fucking sleuth enemies over and over again. Once in awhile, take an elevator down and shoot the same enemies over and over again. The music is deeply irritating and completely uninspired. It’s easy to fall asleep to this music (not in a good Coastal Mario Kart level), which should not be the case for an action thriller that tries to be “edgy”. There’s really nothing more to be said about this game. You will fall asleep 2 minutes into playing Elevator Action or you will be angry it’s so fucking boring. There’s a line between sheer boredom and sheer genius when it comes to overtly simple games like those listed previously. Pac Man you can play for hours and hours on end with a levels that barely change and enemy’s that only gradually increase in speed and difficulty level. Elevator Action on the other hand you know almost immediately to be tired and uninspired.

14. Fester’s Quest (NES)

Playing this game for the first time, the first thoughts that pop to one’s head are “I can’t believe this game was ever created.” Fester’s Quest for the NES is well deserving of its spot on this list. Loosely based off the 1960’s T.V. show The Adams Family, Fester’s Quest follows Uncle Fester as he attempts to save his town from an alien invasion. What? What do aliens have to do with the Adam’s Family? The odd plot sets the tone for the game itself. Uncle Fester’s weapons include a gun that gets worse the more you power it up and whip. The story line, power ups, and game play give you the impression that this was supposed to be a different game before getting the Adams‘ Family name slapped onto it. And as with many of the games on our top 20 worst video games list, Fester’s Quest is hard. I’m talking Contra with lives hard. You get two hits, no extra lives, and no code. The various enemies are difficult to hit with the guns you’re provided with, and if you died even once, you had to start the entire game over again, making it not only hard but incredibly tedious and frustrating. There are almost no redeeming qualities to this game, other than the sound effects, which are lifted directly from Blaster Master, another Sunsoft game, and one of the greatest games ever made. Unfortunately, Sunsoft couldn’t repeat that brilliant success with this atrocious game.

13. Desert Strike: Return to the Gulf (Sega Genesis)

This game was originally released in 1992 for the Genesis system and it maintained a small following for a while. The reason behind the following is most likely due to the onslaught of sequels to this game, which include “Jungle Strike”, “Soviet Strike”, and “Nuclear Strike”. It should be noted of course that all of these titles pretty much give the game away before one is even able to enjoy any playtime. This review however, will only focus on the first in the series “Desert Strike”.

Where should I start…?

I guess it all began with Saddam Hussein and his regime believing they could invade any country in the Middle East without any type of repercussion from an oil thirsty western civilization that wants to promote democracy and Starbuck’s. Global politics aside, a year after the Gulf War, rouge forces lead by a General Kilbaba take over an Arab Emirate with the hopes of beginning WWIII. That is of course if the mighty Apache attack helicopter and its Hellfire missiles has anything to say about it! The military industrial complex of the United States has done it again. A weapon was crafted that takes off from its frigate-base off shore and roars across the dunes with its Gattling gun blaring, leaving only smoldering structures and dismembered human tissue in its wake. Like most other games (all in fact), certain objectives must be met. In order to meet these goals and win, a warrior mentality is needed, along with a strong trigger finger. The Apache is outfitted with Hellfire missiles, Hydra rockets, and a loud cannon that tears shit up! Sounds fun huh?

Sorry…it gets old quick. This happens for several reasons. First, level after level occurs on virtually the same map. Maybe the enemy positions change a little along with the objectives. But the frigate is in the same place off shore. The main refueling and rearming areas are located in the same area. To the laymen, it is just repeated over and over. The game does try and counteract you from getting too bored with the map though. If you do not do the objectives in order, and approach enemy weaponry that is guarding say, a radio tower that is objective three, and you’re still on objective one, the enemies will automatically lock on you and unload their metal payload into the hull of your gunship. A second reason why it got old quick is because of the rather mediocre graphics. This is of course for Sega, so we aren’t expecting HD blood spatters, but when an enemy combatant is killed they fizzle into the dirt as if they were never there. Rather weak if you ask the staff here at Old Wiz. The final reason it gets old quick is because when you face off against the “Big Man” himself, he is rather easy to beat. The final boss is obviously inspired by Saddam Hussein. I mean come on! It took two wars and billions of dollars to find the guy in a spider hole. In Desert Strike it only takes a few well guided missiles and its over. You win. Yay…

Boo is more like it.

12. The Three Stooges (NES)

While most games are bad because the idea of the actual game being played is terrible, or because it is so difficult you can’t get by the first level, “Three Stooges” introduces a new reason why a game can be awful. Three Stooges is basically incomprehensible to play. For the most part you have no idea what you’re doing when you’re playing this game. You press start and you’re taken to an outside street with the three stooges where a Wheel of Fortune wheel comes out of thin air that ostensibly picks what you’re supposed to do in the game. Next you notice you’re in another random place where you have no idea what you’re supposed to do. You’re at a bowl of soup with a spoon in it. There are also what looks like pieces of cat excretion in the soup that you have to eat. Trying to control your spoon proves to be one of the more difficult tasks you will take on in this life. After a couple of minutes of throwing your controller at the screen you hear a sound that sounds like a box fan breaking down which I think is supposed to be one of the 3 stooges getting angry that you didn’t pass a test that you couldn’t control and knew nothing about, and had no idea how you got there, and why your eating soup with ambiguous objects inside. You next may randomly find yourself in a hospital flying down an operating room with a nurse picking up things she’s dropping. You have no idea what you’re picking up though. Once again, trying to control this fiasco proves excessively enigmatic, and once again you will be throwing your controller at the screen.

This game is so bad, it’s difficult to review any longer. This is a perfect example of what happens when you try to take something from the TV or movie screen and apply it to video gamedom. Creators who want to cash in on screen success pay no attention to the garbage they’re putting out for the video game.

11. Superman: The New Superman Adventures (N64)

Superman: The New Superman Adventures, released for the Nintendo 64, is by far the worst thing to happen to the Superman franchise since Richard Pryor. Univerally panned for its ridiculous plot, the game also offers up bad graphics and poor gameplay. The plot unfolds to reveal Lex Luthor’s entrapment the Man of Steel’s best friends – Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen and Professor Hamilton – in some virtual world into which you must enter to save them. My first thoughts upon hearing this plot were, “Okay, sounds stupid so far, but most Superman plots are. I still can’t wait to play as Superman on the N64. This is going to be great! Besides, anything with Superman can’t be all bad.” Boy, was I wrong. The gameplay and missions themselves are just plain boring. For some reason, Lex Luthor has suspended some hoops in the air, and you must fly through them in order to complete you mission objectives. Okay, this can still be cool: I like flying. Nope. The unresponsive controls will have you assuming you have pushed the wrong button which usually results in mashing others to get some sort of response, all the while being confused by the weird perspectives. Not only that, but you barely get to use your other powers since you are occupied flying around through some boring backgrounds that look more like they belong on SNES than the N64. You do occasionally get to fight a virtual copy of one of Superman’s archenemies, though. The only reason to play this game is to see how bad it is, and only if you can find a friend who still owns a copy and hasn’t resold it or burned it.

10. Ghosts n’ Goblins

A reoccurring theme for the top 20 worst games of all time has been when games have been so difficult that you had to buy a new tv from smashing your controller against it too much. There is no game that exemplifies this upshot from sheer difficulty like Ghosts ‘n Goblins. 1/8th through the first level you’re surrounded by mound and mounds of enemies. As you’re walking as your character, you’re basically surrounded by a force field of enemies coming at you from every possible angle. Ok, maybe if you had a lot of energy or someone decent armor, you could take the level one onslaught of nefarious enemy’s. As you walk, you see you do have armor, looks like pretty strong armor, until a weak ass looking bird swoops down, barely hits you, and your armor comes flying off. Not even faux-Halloween armor is this poor. I’m pretty sure that if a bird touched a plastic armor suit that you wore for Halloween, it wouldn’t come flying off. As your worthless armor comes flying off, you’re left with an almost-naked character who is left with nothing on except underwear. Q: Who wears nothing under armor? Am I inept to mid-evil tradition or is there something completely untenable about someone wearing nothing under armor? Your basically left naked running around in the wild with a force field of petulant enemy’s surrounding you at every second. This stultifying game play leads you to give up after 1 to 2 minutes making you feel like shit and making you retire to much more germane games with more sane difficulty levels. When programmers make these games, don’t they realize these most obvious setbacks for the player? Setbacks so large, that they stop playing the game after 5 minutes?

9. Jurassic Park (Sega Genesis)

One of the best selling books of all time subsequently made into one of the highest grossing movies of all time, right? You’d think they would attempt to design a game of similar stature, right? You obviously have never played this boring as paint drying game. One would think that when a certain storyline is created, that most subsequent recreations of the story would follow a similar pattern. Jurassic Park though just kind of meanders through the jungle and leaves the game player feeling dejected and hurt in the end. After a rather weak opening scene of the T-Rex roaring at you in low-def, the game simply starts. There is Dr. Grant standing in the jungle, armed with a dart gun and a few grenades, waiting to be brought through the jungle to a destination. And that’s about it. You need to do some jumping, a little hopping over rocks, and maybe maneuver to avoid little creatures trying to drain your life bar. You come across a dinosaur that will simply fall over for about a minute after you hit it with a dart. The grenades of course make them not get up anymore. A little more jumping and hopping along through the jungle and maybe stomp on a baby raptor while doing so. And then….TA DA! You reach the end of level one. Maybe level two will have something more exciting? But sorry, it may be a different scene, but the same general premise level after level. You go into substations, go back into the jungle, and maybe drive a motor boat through another low-def scene. This is all happening with the final goal being to get back to the Visitor Center. The second to the last scene is going through the ventilation system with raptors running around below you. Once you jump through a final hatch, you land on top of the large bones setup in the Visitor Center main hall. With a simple flick of the thumb and the toss of a grenade in between the skeleton setups, they crash onto the raptors waiting below. And the game ends…

With one simple grenade the last “boss” is defeated. In the most simplistic and moronic way, the game is over. Sorry Sega, but this blockbuster movie just doesn’t translate into your silly little black cartridges. That T-Rex is a pussy too!

8. Joust (NES)

Joust is unbearably boring. Same screen, same enemies, same poor sounds, no music. If one were looking for a legal soporific agent, Joust would be your best treatment. Who could possibly think this idea would keep the attention of the player beyond 30 seconds? When designing this game, who thought that this 1 screen sleep fest would be enough to justify its place in an entire cartridge? At least have a 2 nd game along with this garbage. At least have some weak ass side scroller with your jouster (who looks more like a flying ostrich) killing medieval enemies. Speaking of the enemies, what exactly are these things? How come all the players and enemies in “Joust” look like poorly designed birds? In Joust, you’re enveloped with one boring game, controlling something that looks like a bird, fighting against things that may or may not be more birds. Yes, the controls are simple; yes the concept is simple, but so simple that you don’t know why you should be playing this game after 30 seconds. That this ever retained a place in an arcade is beyond Old-Wizard. The sight of this NES cartridge at a used video game store induces the largest of yawns.

7. Wayne’s World (SNES)

It is quite ironic that Wayne’s World begins with Wayne and Garth reviewing their “Top Ten Worst Arcade Games List” since it is the only Super Nintendo game to make our worst ever video games list. Being fans of the SNES, a game released on that console needs to reach inordinately bad marks to be considered for inclusion on our list, but Wayne’s World did just that. Usually, video games based on movies without “Star Wars” in the title don’t turn out very well, and games based off BAD movies turn out even worse. This game is no exception. As you might expect from a game based on Wayne’s World, the story line is less than stellar: an evil purple putridosity called Zantar has kidnapped Garth, and you have to guide Wayne as he tries to rescue his hapless sidekick. Wayne is armed with a guitar that helps him defeat various enemies inhabiting Kramer’s Music Store, Stan Mikita’s Donut Shop, the Gasworks nightclub, and suburbia. In each location, the assailants include monster bagpipes, accordions, coffee cups, disco ball, and headbangers. Poor story line alone does not necessarily automatically place a game in the “bad” list. Unfortunately, boring levels, unwieldy controls and sheer monotony do. Oh, and should you choose to play it yourself, it will probably take you all of ten minutes to come to agreement with us on this one.

6. Muscle (NES)

The NES had a myriad of decent wrestling games under its belt including “Pro Wrestling” and “Wrestlemania”. It also held the worst wrestling game ever made, none other than “Muscle”. The biggest reason why Muscle is a terrible game is because of how boring it is. There are no moves, no real characters, and no dialogue. You start off the game by choosing between 9 ostensibly different players, who in reality are all exactly the same, except a slight discrepancy in the color of outfits and shape of face. The game is completely silent. You would think that if a wrestling game is going to be made, at least include some tension and excitement by adding crowd noise and an announcer, albeit an 8 bit incoherent announcer. You get none of this with “Muscle”. You get no music, no crowd noise, 2 or 3 boring moves with no choice of different characters unless your duped into thinking changing masks makes a wrestler completely different. It took about 3 minutes of playing this game to realize that you wasted 3 dollars on renting this soporific excuse for a wrestling game. Bring on “Pro Wrestling” where I can bash “Amazon” on the head with a steel chair and can use a character with a giant star in the middle of his head (Hint: When making games, use your fucking imagination!).

5. Paperboy (NES)

When you first see this game, you see the cover with a munificent, happy-go-lucky paperboy delivering papers. You think to yourself, well, a game about being a paper boy can’t be that much fun…but maybe it’s some sort of super-hero paperboy and that’s the reason why he’s so happy on the front cover! The game is opposite of the cover. After you play this game for 10 minutes, you realize the front cover should be a paperboy irritable beyond all bounds and maybe even sticking his middle finger up at the street dancers who have nowhere to dance except right in the middle of the fucking street you have to deliver on.

It’s 8 o’ clock on a Monday morning and what does the entire neighborhood you deliver to do? They get up 2 hours early to conspire against you and make it impossible to get through half the street before you’re either run over, beat with a spatula, or have a myriad of dogs chasing you. If this game is going to be as difficult as it is, at least have an option of changing routes. At least be able to tell off your boss for giving you such a shitty route where you cant get half way down the street without your life being threatened with people who have nothing better to do than to try to dominate the paper boy. If they really don’t want their paper, then fuck them. Even if you’re able to evade the infinite obstacles towards delivering to 1 house, finding the accuracy to throw a paper into a mailbox is just as tendentious. Most of the time you lose points because your papers gravitate towards breaking the glass of the houses with people who spend their waking lives trying to destroy the paperboy.

This game is tedious, grossly difficult, and absolutely no fun. To rent a game and not be able to get half way through the first level no matter what you do is lugubrious to say the least. This may be the worst game ever released for a platform system.

4. Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing

So yeah, we are talking about the worst games ever conceived by human beings right? There are probably some pretty horrible games trapped under the methane ice of Titan, the largest moon of Saturn, but let’s not get off the subject of just how shitty this game really is. Now normally, we here at Old Wiz don’t take the opinions of others too seriously. You know the saying, “They are like assholes, and everybody has them”. Well the word over many news wires is that we are not the only ones who think this is worthy of the moniker of “one of the worst games of all time”. One thing for sure is that the production team is for Big Rigs should have been beaten into submission for violating the cardinal rule of gaming; creating a game that doesn’t just waste time but makes you want to punch someone after playing it. Let’s go over some of the finer points that Big Rigs offers to its lowly participants…

First, the idea of this game even being a race is sketchy at best. When the contest first begins your opponents don’t really put too much effort into making this a worth while venture. That’s because the creators forgot to give them any type of functions and they drive straight…for the entire race…

Rather beat…

Let’s get even more stupid now shall we…

There is nothing to have to avoid during the race. There is nothing on the side of the road that might interfere with your driving ability. Don’t get me wrong, there are buildings, and bridges, and various other obstacles, but unlike in psuedo-reality racing games in Big Rigs you can drive right through them without even slowing down. These rigs must have such a powerful hemi under that hood that they can just drive vertically without losing speed, let alone crashing! These things can jump through the screen for crying out loud!

Let’s continue shall we…

The gears don’t really work…at all. But it doesn’t matter since you basically can’t lose. If you do, contact Old Wizard immediately and we’ll fly our chopper over to pick you up and bring you in for testing. No matter what happens in each “race” the words “You’re a Winner stick up on the screen to signify truck racing glory. The list goes on forever and ever, and maybe even some more. Frankly, this game sucks so bad that we don’t even care about writing down everything that is wrong with it. The “winners” that made this game should just be banished to eternity in a truck stop bathroom. End of story on this one.

3. Top Gun (NES)

Top Gun for the NES is probably the most boring, hackneyed game to ever be released for the great 8-bit system. It’s a flight simulator with no extra features, no stirring sounds, and no control to do anything but move forward and sometimes shoot planes that look more like computer speakers. All is well though you think because a game this easy and boring will surely be conquered in no time, but then after 50 attempts of trying to land your plane in an aircraft carrier, you realize that this game is not only odiously trite, but is impossible to end because it’s basically impossible to land your plane. When landing your plane on an aircraft carrier, you are given terse directions from your “command screen” which you follow. If you follow the directions 100% perfectly, you will have about a 5% chance of landing the plane. I have personally seen the plane landed once. I remember that eventful day. I was at a friend’s house and four of us were watching my friends’ father trying to overcome this insuperable task. The first time we saw it land, we had a party. I remember looking over at one of my friends who may have been crying out of joy, that the annoyingly impossible task could be circumvented. The excitement lasted until the end of the next level where we all knew it couldn’t happen again, and it didn’t.

How is it possible for programmers to make such a monumental mistake in making a task to finish a level so impossible? You make the game for months on end, you have testers testing it out for months on end. Who let this one slip by? This banal attempt at a flight simulator combined with poor programming make this one of the worst games of all time.

2. Shaq Fu (Sega Genesis)

Shaq Fu for the Sega Genesis is probably the worst conceived game ever to come out for any platform system. The story line is so abominable that you almost wish for a completely incoherent one was substituted as to give the idea of the storyline being more enigmatic. You are Shaq, somehow in Tokyo, where you are discovered by some zen karate master who says that you have come from some distant planet to save the world (I wonder if Shaq himself ever played this, or maybe even wrote this story line?). After you endure the blatantly uninspired storyline, you have to endure the worst 2 player fighting game of all time. The controlling in this game is incomprehensible. The best thing you can do is just hammer the buttons of your controller with your hands and watch the screen, hoping your capricious hammering of the controller will cause a victory against the most banal of opponents. Looking at the screen doesn’t help the cause either because how dumb it looks to see hackneyed monsters fighting a big dude in basketball shorts. Once you lose because the controlling is so irritating, you have to endure more uninspired dialogue from enemies with 80 times more skill than you have as Shaq. Your opponents can basically throw the elements at you, they can throw fucking planets at you, while you’re left to a high kick and a low kick depending on which buttons your randomly smashing. With a name like “Shaq Fu”, you had to know this game was going to be bad, but you were not in store for how bad it was until you actually played it for yourself.

1. E.T. (Atari 2600)

As a child in the 80’s, E.T. was a HUGE part of my life. It was the first, second, and third movie I saw in a theater. It made Reese’s Pieces my favourite candy. It forced me to ride my Star Wars Huffy off of small ledges in hopes of flying my chubby silhouette in front of the moon. Maybe the greatest of all, it took away all fear of aliens I may have had. You could imagine my excitement when my father came home with this game, his face lit up like he was my age, and led me by the hand to the beloved Atari 2600.

The point of this game is to find pieces of your ship in order to get home. The pieces are located in what can only be described as pits that ET falls into periodically. I have never made it out of the first pit. It’s been rumoured that there are 5 levels of almost identical game play. I’ve heard there are also enemies, and that eating Elliott gives you power ups…I have seen none of these things. I start the game, fall in a hole, and never get out.

This game single-handedly destroyed Atari and its legacy. They had produced so many cartridges of this game that were never sold they actually had to buy land in New Mexico and create an E.T. landfill in the desert, ouch. They tried to follow on the coat tails of Tron and capitalize on the E.T. brand, but all they ended up doing was starting a long tradition of crappy games based on movies. Thanks E.T., you crushed my childhood and gave me a reason to go outside to play in traffic.